My brother just told me that I have a “New York edge”, which apparently means I speak with a New York accent and am not afraid to talk about roughing people up, even though I’d never follow through.  I called my brother because Mr. Cheap Phone contacted me recently through the Internet, and I was trying to decide the best course of action karmically.

The subject of the email is “Lola!  It’s me!”.  He goes on to give a pseudo apology without really accepting blame.  He says he was an asshole and that no apology will do me justice, but he says he can’t even remember the details of our falling out.  Well, even though I forgave him long before now, I still remember the details.  My breakup with him really hurt me because of my unhealthy attachment to him.

I am trying to put myself in his shoes.  If I reached out to someone to give an apology, or at least to try to apologize to the best of my ability, I might feel hurt if the other person didn’t acknowledge and accept my apology.  So, although I had no intention of responding to his letter, I felt guilty because I would want an acknowledgement and acceptance of my apology.  However, my brother pointed out that the email really didn’t seem like an apology, and he said he didn’t think I had any duty to feel guilty about not responding to someone who completely abandoned me.  My brother’s and boyfriend’s theories are that Mr. Cheap Phone contacted me just to see if I was still single and available.  They also think maybe he’s moving to the area.  I tend to believe they’re right, although I’d like to believe he’s trying to make personal improvements.

I’ve decided not to contact him.  If he was apologizing, then I accept and would want him to know that I’ve already forgiven all the wrongs.  If he wasn’t apologizing, then it was still good to hear from him and to at least know that he is ok.  Either way, I ended my attachment to him some time ago, and I would never want to find myself caught up in such toxic emotions again.  I feel a little worried that maybe he lives here now, and maybe I’ll run into him, or he will try to contact me in person at work or at home.  When I really think about these worries, it really just seems like that toxic attachment is trying to creep back into my life.

What are your thoughts on all of this?