A while ago I wrote about the crush I watched develop in slow motion.  Even though it became more and more obvious that he had a crush on me, I tried to ignore it.  However, now I can no longer ignore it because a friend of mine noticed the prosecutor’s blossoming crush, and has begun teasing me that this prosecutor “has a thing for” me.

This crush makes me feel every emotion in technicolor.  It seems as if I can hear his breath from continents away.  I feel the electricity of flowers blooming in spring when we’re in court, and yet my pulse quickens out of fear, as if I’m walking alone in the dark.  His gaze on my back feels like fire dancing in the wind.  Looking at him makes me envision everything that I as a woman am afraid of because I am imagining all the pain that his wife would feel if she knew what he was thinking about other women.  And yet, when I look at him I see a vulnerable, socially-awkward boy in his mid-thirties, who still doesn’t know how to relate to women.  I wonder if his marriage is troubled.

Although I would say I generally feel ok about myself, for a long time I’ve kind of felt that I’m not that pretty or that other people aren’t that interested in me.  When I first thought I noticed the prosecutor’s crush, I was shocked that anyone would develop a crush on me.  I felt unwanted and discarded, despite the fact that I had been dating Manchester for some time.  I gained some weight since Manchester and I began dating, and it really made me feel unpretty, but my weight doesn’t seem to bother the prosecutor at all.  My weight doesn’t seem to bother Manchester either, but I sometimes feel like maybe he’s just settled for me.  Watching this crush develop has reminded me that there are numerous factors that make a person attractive, and that physical beauty isn’t the only factor or even a determining factor.

Now that my friend has noticed the prosecutor’s interest in me, I feel a bit paranoid.  I desperately hope that my clients haven’t noticed.  I wonder if other people have noticed too.  I wonder if the judge or the other prosecutors or my other coworkers have noticed.  I wonder if the prosecutor with the crush has noticed that I’ve noticed.  I secretly hope that no one else has noticed, even though I think other people probably have taken note.  I would be mortified if anyone ever thought that I got preferential treatment because a prosecutor had a more than professional interest in me.  I think that scares me the most because I think of a strong woman who doesn’t need to rely on flirtation or sexual inuendo to be successful.  I’m not so concerned with fashion, and I refuse to act less intelligent just so men will like me more.  The qualifier I must add is that I love pointy toed “fuck me” stilettos.  But who doesn’t love them?  Anyway, a long time ago I decided that I’d much rather have men become infatuated with me for my intelligence and personality than for my body, and I reached this decision at a time when I had a great body.

This crush truly fascinates me, and perhaps has provided something to be interested in when my life kind of feels like I’ve hit the doldrums.  And despite everything my friends and I have discussed, I’d really like to believe that any interest that this prosecutor does have is just an innocent crush.  I have to admit that going to court has become much more interesting now that I have someone I can chat with and who won’t be opposed to some mutual venting about the judge’s mood swings or the idiosyncracies of our coworkers.  I haven’t really spoken to this prosecutor in a few days, but I’m curious to see what will happen.