A while ago I wrote about the crush I watched develop in slow motion.  Even though it became more and more obvious that he had a crush on me, I tried to ignore it.  However, now I can no longer ignore it because a friend of mine noticed the prosecutor’s blossoming crush, and has begun teasing me that this prosecutor “has a thing for” me.

This crush makes me feel every emotion in technicolor.  It seems as if I can hear his breath from continents away.  I feel the electricity of flowers blooming in spring when we’re in court, and yet my pulse quickens out of fear, as if I’m walking alone in the dark.  His gaze on my back feels like fire dancing in the wind.  Looking at him makes me envision everything that I as a woman am afraid of because I am imagining all the pain that his wife would feel if she knew what he was thinking about other women.  And yet, when I look at him I see a vulnerable, socially-awkward boy in his mid-thirties, who still doesn’t know how to relate to women.  I wonder if his marriage is troubled.

Although I would say I generally feel ok about myself, for a long time I’ve kind of felt that I’m not that pretty or that other people aren’t that interested in me.  When I first thought I noticed the prosecutor’s crush, I was shocked that anyone would develop a crush on me.  I felt unwanted and discarded, despite the fact that I had been dating Manchester for some time.  I gained some weight since Manchester and I began dating, and it really made me feel unpretty, but my weight doesn’t seem to bother the prosecutor at all.  My weight doesn’t seem to bother Manchester either, but I sometimes feel like maybe he’s just settled for me.  Watching this crush develop has reminded me that there are numerous factors that make a person attractive, and that physical beauty isn’t the only factor or even a determining factor.

Now that my friend has noticed the prosecutor’s interest in me, I feel a bit paranoid.  I desperately hope that my clients haven’t noticed.  I wonder if other people have noticed too.  I wonder if the judge or the other prosecutors or my other coworkers have noticed.  I wonder if the prosecutor with the crush has noticed that I’ve noticed.  I secretly hope that no one else has noticed, even though I think other people probably have taken note.  I would be mortified if anyone ever thought that I got preferential treatment because a prosecutor had a more than professional interest in me.  I think that scares me the most because I think of a strong woman who doesn’t need to rely on flirtation or sexual inuendo to be successful.  I’m not so concerned with fashion, and I refuse to act less intelligent just so men will like me more.  The qualifier I must add is that I love pointy toed “fuck me” stilettos.  But who doesn’t love them?  Anyway, a long time ago I decided that I’d much rather have men become infatuated with me for my intelligence and personality than for my body, and I reached this decision at a time when I had a great body.

This crush truly fascinates me, and perhaps has provided something to be interested in when my life kind of feels like I’ve hit the doldrums.  And despite everything my friends and I have discussed, I’d really like to believe that any interest that this prosecutor does have is just an innocent crush.  I have to admit that going to court has become much more interesting now that I have someone I can chat with and who won’t be opposed to some mutual venting about the judge’s mood swings or the idiosyncracies of our coworkers.  I haven’t really spoken to this prosecutor in a few days, but I’m curious to see what will happen.

Dream: I was at the courthouse, but the building looked surprisingly like an old high school.  There was a room with lockers for each lawyer.  I was very concerned because we had books and papers in them, which were very important.  I was having some anxiety because I couldn’t find my locker.  My boyfriend came to his locker, so he tried to help me find mine.  As that was happening, Ms. Helpful came over and began flirting with my boyfriend and distracting him from helping me.  It seemed like he was doing his best to get rid of her, but she was quite persistent.  Ms. Helpful offered a few comments about my locker, but none of them were anything useful.  The whole time I was just staring at how yellow her blonde hair looked under the lights in the room.  It seemed like it was glowing a fake yellow-orange.  Eventually she went away and my boyfriend and I spoke to a worker who told me that my locker had just been moved, although my boyfriend argued that we had already checked the spot where the locker was allegedly relocated.

Analysis: I guess this is a general anxiety dream about losing things that are important to me.  High school was a time of great anxiety for me, which is why I think I appeared to be back at high school.  The prosecutor was annoying because she was constantly smiling, even as she was hurting me by flirting with my boyfriend and distracting him from helping me with the task of finding my locker.  I like this prosecutor in real life as much as I like most of the ones I deal with, but I do have to admit that sometimes she comes off as being fake.  She tries to appear genuine and helpful, but sometimes she seems patronizing.

Dream: I invited a prosecutor I work with daily, who I’ll call Ms. Helpful, to come to dinner at my house.  Unfortunately, I still lived with my parents.  My parents lived in a very nice house, but I was embarrassed that they were not making more of an effort to be hostpitable to my friend.  My parents sat in front of the TV and did not get up to meet her.  I told my parents that we were hungry, but they did not help cook or find food.  The prosecutor then went into the bathroom, left the door open, and I watched her peeing from where I stood in the kitchen.  Then she came out and my parents suggested that we make pizza.  The pizza kit we had involved significant preparation, and I was surprised that the prosecutor didn’t seem to know how to put it together.  She acted like she knew what she was doing, but I noticed that she was puting the pizza together upside down.

Analysis: The prosecutor in this dream is someone with whom I get along, but at times I think she tries to suck up too much.  She always holds herself out as being extra helpful, but I have rarely seen a case where she actually helps the way she says she will.  In general I think I have some anxiety about friends meeting my parents and going to their house.  Soon I think my boyfriend is going to come to their house and meet them for the first time, and I’m nervous about it.

Dream: A prosecutor was standing beside my bed and woke me by loudly exclaiming repeatedly, “Lola, I can see your breasts.”  I was annoyed that he had woken me needlessly.  I was indifferent about his attempts to bother me and asked him for a plea offer on a case.  He kept focusing on my breasts, instead.  I refused to pull up the covers because I wanted him to know that I didn’t care that he could see my breasts.  Eventually, he gave up and left, so I got dressed and went outside.  Outside of my apartment there was an area with caves and swamps.  I was with my boyfriend and we were looking at a river, when I noticed that there were many alligators peeking out from the water.  Just then I also heard an electronic or ambient music soundtrack, and I realized as I awoke from the dream that my dreams have soundtracks.

Analysis:  The particular prosecutor from this dream is especially annoying at times because he always attempts to get his way by trying to prey on ignorance.  Some time ago he asked me if I was willing to stipulate to my client’s number of prior felony convictions for the purposes of my client testifying.  I refused to blindly stipulate and then asked how many certified convictions the prosecutor had in his possession.  He began reading a list of my client’s alleged prior convictions, but it turns out there was no paperwork to prove that in the file.  Current caselaw in Florida indicates a prosecutor can’t ask about prior convictions without the certified paperwork, but this prosecutor wanted to see if he could sneak one by me.  As far as the soundtrack, I had left one of those new agey nature music CDs in my alarm clock, so I think that explains the music.