Dream: A man knocked on the door of the home I shared with my parents and brother.  My brother apparently thought we were expecting a package delivery, despite that it was so late at night.  My brother opened the door without even checking who was there.  Suddenly a fat man with a gun pushed his way past my brother and pulled out a hand gun.  I realized that the man was going to hold us hostage.  I remembered that my father had always told me that if someone broke into our house, he would use his gun.  However, I realized that my father wasn’t even going to be able to get his gun since the man was holding us all in the living room together.  I managed to get away by asking if he would let me go to the bathroom.  I walked down the hall to the bathroom and was able to get my cell phone on the way.  I tried to call 911, but unfortunately, because I have MetroPCS, which frequently gives me problems, the call did not go through.  Somehow I was able to call my mother’s best friend, even though I do not know her phone number and she lives in another state.  I pleaded with her to help me, but I could tell that she wasn’t going to.  She kept saying she couldn’t hear me and kept asking why I was calling, but I couldn’t speak louder because I was afraid the man with the gun would hear me.  I hung up with her and again dialed 911.  This time I reached an operator and was able to get help.  She stayed on the phone with me as the police arrived.  I hung up once the police came up to the bathroom window.  I begged them to help me, but they refused, saying that they were just going to wait for the man with the gun to give up.  They backed away from the window.  I was terrified that no one would help, so I decided that I would have to help myself.  I slowly opened  the bathroom door to check that the man with the gun was not nearby.  That’s when I noticed that my mother and brother were in a bedroom down the hall and the TV was on.  I quietly called out to them and told my brother to come into the bathroom.  I opened the bathroom window, pushed out the screen, and pushed my brother up so that he could climb out of the second story window.  When the police saw what we were doing, they rushed over to help.  We followed the same procedure with my mother and then my father.  I was the last one to climb out the window.  During this dream I had thoughts of possibly being killed in order to save my family.  I felt afraid of dying and afraid of the unknown, but I was willing to take the chance that I would be killed.  I thought of how I’d recently become more religious, and I felt satisfied that I had lived the best life I could up until this point.  Upon meeting outside, my mother suggested that our entire family go to a restaurant at a mall behind our house to eat dinner.  I agreed because I knew that the police were just going to keep waiting for the man to give up, so we wouldn’t be able to return home for some time.  We went to the mall, which looked very much like Grand Central Station inside, but then I realized that my father was not with us.  We began looking for him, but I became more and more afraid that maybe the man with the gun would go out the back door of our house and come to the mall to kill us.  In looking for my father, my mother and I also lost my brother.  As we looked for them I ran into the first and second people in command at my office.  The first in command was doing a book signing on the stairs.  I ran up to him and asked for help, but he simply gave me a signed copy of his book and said he couldn’t help me.  The second person in command did nothing more but smile and quickly move in the opposite direction.  I suggested to my mother that we call my dad and brother on their cell phones, but she said we wouldn’t be able to reach them because their phones were always turned off.

Analysis: Recently I watched an episode of The First 48 where an individual knocks on an apartment door and then kills the man who answers the knock.  I think the whole scenario in this dream came from that show.  I am surprised that in the dream we were such a close family who worked so well together.  I can’t really picture that in real life, but it’s something I would hope for.  The idea that no one would help me was constantly repeated, and I think this reflects my belief in self-reliance.  Of course, we all want to have others we can count on and we want to believe there are people who will rescue us.  Honestly, I think most people who are successful work very hard and are self-motivated.  I have been thinking about this issue a lot as I begin to try to write a novel.  Instead of just listening to all the people tell me that I should be a writer, and waiting or hoping in vain that something would come of it, I’ve decided to force myself to write a novel.  The higher ups at my office gave a talk recently and it made me realize that although there is an “open door policy” and although they claim they’re around to help, they’re really not.  One seems more interested in notoriety and the other seems distant and cold.  I have a delusion that one day I might be able to earn a living by doing something that doesn’t require working for someone else.  I would love to be my own boss.  And all of this ties into my recent study of the Eight Noble Truths, specifically right livelihood.  (For a great discussion on right livelihood, check out Bad Buddhist Radio, Episode 12.)

Tibetan Buddhist monks and nuns protested Order No. 5 by China’s State Administration on Religious Affairs (SARA) on September 20th.  The order prohibits the naming of any incarnate lamas or “Living Buddhas” without approval from the Chinese government.  According to tradition the soul of the Dalai Lama, the political and spiritual leader of Tibet, is reincarnated in human form to continue the work of ending all suffering.  Order No. 5 allows the Chinese government to pick the next Dalai Lama, however, His Holiness the Dalai Lama says he refuses to be reincarnated in Tibet as long as it’s under Chinese control.  At the protest monks carried several banners, one reading, “China says religion is poison.  Why interfere now?”

The Dalai Lama, who is 72 years old, is beginning to plan his succession.  It will be interesting to see what happens.  Conceivably, the Chinese government could choose one Dalai Lama, although the Tibetan people might recognize someone else.  And what prevents the Chinese government from refusing to recognize any Dalai Lama at all?  I think that is the most likely scenario, given that China in general refuses to recognize religion.

My brother just told me that I have a “New York edge”, which apparently means I speak with a New York accent and am not afraid to talk about roughing people up, even though I’d never follow through.  I called my brother because Mr. Cheap Phone contacted me recently through the Internet, and I was trying to decide the best course of action karmically.

The subject of the email is “Lola!  It’s me!”.  He goes on to give a pseudo apology without really accepting blame.  He says he was an asshole and that no apology will do me justice, but he says he can’t even remember the details of our falling out.  Well, even though I forgave him long before now, I still remember the details.  My breakup with him really hurt me because of my unhealthy attachment to him.

I am trying to put myself in his shoes.  If I reached out to someone to give an apology, or at least to try to apologize to the best of my ability, I might feel hurt if the other person didn’t acknowledge and accept my apology.  So, although I had no intention of responding to his letter, I felt guilty because I would want an acknowledgement and acceptance of my apology.  However, my brother pointed out that the email really didn’t seem like an apology, and he said he didn’t think I had any duty to feel guilty about not responding to someone who completely abandoned me.  My brother’s and boyfriend’s theories are that Mr. Cheap Phone contacted me just to see if I was still single and available.  They also think maybe he’s moving to the area.  I tend to believe they’re right, although I’d like to believe he’s trying to make personal improvements.

I’ve decided not to contact him.  If he was apologizing, then I accept and would want him to know that I’ve already forgiven all the wrongs.  If he wasn’t apologizing, then it was still good to hear from him and to at least know that he is ok.  Either way, I ended my attachment to him some time ago, and I would never want to find myself caught up in such toxic emotions again.  I feel a little worried that maybe he lives here now, and maybe I’ll run into him, or he will try to contact me in person at work or at home.  When I really think about these worries, it really just seems like that toxic attachment is trying to creep back into my life.

What are your thoughts on all of this?

I was raised as a Christian.  My mother, brother, and I went to church several times a week, and my brother and I would spend part of our summer vacation at vacation Bible school.  Those experiences have made me who I am, however, recently I have been reading more about Buddhism.  On September 19, 2006 I attended a talk the Dalai Lama gave at the University at Buffalo.  Listening to him talk was extremely inspirational and encouraged me to learn more about the religion.  Eventually I would like to participate in some sangha meetings or meditations.  I think that Buddhism helps explain anger and other emotional problems in a way that is more helpful.  Learing about this religion has certainly made me look at how attachment has affected many of my choices.